Embraced by Grace

What is family?

2010-07-07T00:11:00.000-04:00

I had a hard life. And yes I am talking about not getting what I want, just not in the way you think. I could write for hours and fill pages with all the things that I went through but I won't. I just want to give you a glimpse of some of the things that have happened and where I stand with my blood family today.
For as long as I can remember back my biological parents were involved with alcohol and drugs. I remember my parents and other family members sitting in the dining room smoking pot and shooting up. It was horrific. To my knowledge my mom did not participate in much, but then again I am not sure. My father was a total drug addict. He and my mom were married and divorced and then married again to only divorce again. I remember not having any money because my father could not hold down a job. He would find a good one and then loose it because of drugs. My life seemed to get better for a while until my mom tried to overdose on prescription depression pills. I watched her cry all the time because of what my father put us through. He was gone one night and my mom and I were sitting at the dining table and I was eating dinner. I even remember what I was eating and the way she looked. It is like an image burnt to my brain. She grabbed some pills and while her hands were shaking she took the entire bottle. I counted at least 18 pills. I started screaming and begging my mom to stop but she was in such a horrible stated of hopelessness. I watched her go to her bedroom and lay down on the bed. She kept saying that it was all about to be over. She was rushed to the hospital and had her stomach pumped. She ended up in the psych ward for several weeks while she recovered. When she was finally better she came home. We moved several times growing up. We finally ended up in Clinton,Oklahoma where I started to find hope and eventually came to know and passionately pursue Christ.
My mom struggled as my father would steal my moms checks and go and buy drugs with the money. One day I remember her crying because she had found crack rocks under the pedals of the car. Daily my father would hide filled syringes in the tank of the toilet and go shoot up just to keep his cool around his family. I watched as his eyes would bug out of his head and he would be sweating and shaking. Eventually my dad moved out of the picture enough that my mom started to find herself again. We moved to a small town called Granite in the far SW corner of Oklahoma. I hated it. The kids were mean, cruel and horrible to me. I was alone and scared. I was taken from the only hope I felt at that time and that was at the church I was a part of. Now I realize it wasn't a good place to be anyway as the pastor and my aunt started to become involved with each other regardless to the fact that both were married at the time. That didn't last long and I didn't understand a whole lot anyway.
Wow, I just skipped so much stuff. I am about to skip more.
Upon living in Granite my mom became so cruel. I finally found a church and found some Godly friends that I clung to. My entire life my mom favored my brother. I would always be the one left behind, not listened to, not cared for. It even came down to not always having the material items I needed to get by because my mom would spend money on my brother and herself. Finally my brother moved out. That is when it became really bad. I could never get hugs from my mom because she would push me away. She never said anything encouraging and always looked for ways to hurt me emotionally. Growing up my mom had so much anger that she would beat me to the point of bringing blood,bruises and whelps. It was abuse. I went through this daily. No one believed my cries and family only pushed me away saying I was the reason my mom did what she did to me. That I deserved it. My mom even threatened to take church away from me.

I had no hope. No confidence. No peace. No love. No affection. No real family. I started believe that it really must be my fault....
Somewhere in the middle of all of this I moved with my father who had moved to Oregon. I became obsessed with grown men, alcohol and porn all at the age of 13. He enabled me. Just thought I would throw that in there.
A few months later I met Chris. Wanna really know how I met him? I do get tired of saying that I met him through mutual friends. I just don't like to broadcast the story I guess. When I lived in Oregon I was on the phone all of the time. I was reading a magazine and I noticed a number to call and talk to guys. I became super obsessed with them and began talking to these men. I even gave phone sex in order to get things sent to my house from them. I was like a phone prostitute. I even had a couple of them come from states away and stay in my fathers house with me because he did not care. They wanted sex but believe it or not I never gave it to them. Yes,I did more than I am proud to admit about.
I finally managed to move back to my moms and all that I talked about with her happened. I met a guy in his early 30's. I was just barely legal. He wanted sex but I thought he was nice at the time too. In desperation to get away from all of the abuse I took the offer from the man. He told me that he would come and get me for as long as I wanted and I could stay at his house in Oklahoma City. I DID NOT want to go. I knew in my spirit that God was telling me not to go. I was desperate and without a way out so I went. He was nice but he kept pushing himself on me. I was so uncomfortable and felt that if I did not give him what he wanted that he would hurt me, force me or send me back home. I did sexual acts but her respected that I did not want to have actual intercourse. He asked all the time of course. He would go to work during the day and I would get on online chat rooms. I met a guy I thought was amazing. He swooned me. I had him pick me up one day. I went to his house and eventually moved my things over there and stay there. He was nice and respectful of my boundaries. Until one night. He pushed me on the ground, took my clothes off and held me down. He had his way with me as I struggled and cried. When he was finished he left. I was left there naked and crying in the floor. I was in the same place I was just deeper in the hole. I was just trying to find a way out of the abuse and now I had endured the worst. The only thing that had not been taken from me had just been taken. I had nothing.
I called my brother and he came and picked me up. Till this day NO ONE in my family knows I was raped. I told them that I was upset because I had sex and I wish I would have saved it until marriage.
I miscarried from being raped. I didn't know I was pregnant until I lost it. I was thankful though. It was then, back home, that I promise God that I would never call one of those lines again and make this same mistake. I just prayed that God would bring me a way out.
It was a couple months down the road when I was sitting in my room reading the Word. I felt an overwhelming need to call the same phone line that made the mess I went through. I spoke to the Lord and cried as I had reminded him of the promise that I had made to him. He spoke to my heart and told me to call. I was in amazement and frustration as well that he would want me to have anything to do with it.
I was obedient and called. I browsed through the few guys that were online. I came across a guy that sounded really depressed and so I passed him. I eventually felt bad and decided to send him a message. He replied back in a rather pleasant manner. We traded messages for about an hour and then decided to connect up and talk. We shared stories, told about our lives and laughed so much we cried. I found that he was raised in a secure Christian home and had fallen away from the Lord. He told me about a nasty divorce he was going through because his wife cheated on him with several different men. He told me he was in the military and I thought that was great because that meant he had to be somewhat stable. I began to see a glimmer of hope because of the comfort that just talking to him brought me. It was 2 days later that he invited me to go to Arkansas to meet his family and spend the 4th of July with them. I knew what happened the last time I went with someone. I lied saying that he was a friend from camp and so he came and got me when my mom and step dad were not home so that they didn't see that he was really in his 30s. This time I told them the same thing. He was from camp. They believed me and so I waited for him to drive the 2 1/2 hours to come and get me. I watched as he pulled up the drive. I was happy to see that he was driving what he said he would be driving and he was the age he said he was. He was so incredibly polite. He helped me get my bags in the car and we left. I kid you not that within the first hour I felt the Holy Spirit tell me that I would marry him. I thought I had lost my mind and was making things up.
Long story short...we spent an amazing time in Arkansas together. We grew together quickly and the emotional bond was incredible. His family would smile as they watched me try to recapture his heart for the Lord again.
I remember writing a list in high school of all the things I needed and desired in a future spouse. One of the wants was to be taken to the middle of nowhere and to turn up the music in the car and dance. It happened. I stood on top of a beautiful hill that overlooked the cities. He pulled up to an overlook and turned the music up loud. He took me to the deck and began to dance with me. I fell in love that night. I felt safe. I felt love. I felt what every girl dreams about. It was happening. I was told by the mom of a friend that I needed to have a new sexual experience in order to replace the memories of the rape. I felt like it was a good idea so I was open to it. I felt like I was no longer pure since my virginity was taken from me. I was blinded to the fact that I WAS still pure because I did not give myself away. At that time I just wanted a positive experience to cover the bad one. We stayed in the guest house that his parents had at the time. We made love that night.
I eventually moved in with him. We kept breaking God's law and had sex. I eventually came to a place where I said I couldn't take the guilt anymore. I told him that I wanted to get married or I would leave and go back home even though I really did not want to do that. Restoring my relationship with the Lord was so pressing at that point that I did not care if I had to move home. He explained that he was scared and would never be ready to be married again. He finally agreed and we wed in the courthouse of Ozark,Arkansas.
I began to get very physical with him. I would punch,kick,spit,pull hair,throw things at him. I would tear him down emotionally. I was vicious. I remember one day a few months after we were married when I did those things to him. He finally held me down until I could not fight anymore. I began to ask him how it was possible for him to love me when I was so abusive to him. He looked at me and placed his hand on my heart. He told me, "I don't see all this mess. I see past it and see someone who is beautiful and that I love. You can get through this." I cried my eyes out. I remember crying my eyes out because once I started to grow my relationship with Christ again I felt that I had made the wrong decision in marrying him. I thought to myself that I wanted a Godly man that loved the Word and loved to worship Christ. He wasn't that. I remember screaming at Chris one day and that I wanted a divorce because he was not the Godly man I wanted to be married to. I remember the Lord rebuking me that day. He told me to be patient, that he changed hearts on HIS time and not mine. He was right. Chris's heart was changed. We became active in church and eventually started to get involved in youth ministry. He grew in his relationship with the Lord so rapidly. I wept when I watched because God was faithful and loving enough to change his heart.
We eventually walked out in faith and moved to Colorado after Chris accepted a job after his military term was up. We found a church there and began working with the youth. Chris eventually accepted a youth pastor position and committed to 2 years of ministry to start with. It was a few months later that the Lord moved us to Arkansas. While in Colorado I went through a year of intense counseling with my pastor. It started with having a legal notepad sheet filled front and back of all the demonic holds that I had on my life. With commitment, prayer and major spiritual warfare we watched as one by one they were removed from my life. I started to become a new person. I went through hard times as I had to deal with the emotions of what I had become numb to growing up. I dealt with "spiritual regurgitation" so to speak. I remember standing in the bathroom while Chris was in the shower. I ripped the curtain open and began weeping wildly and begging him not to leave me. I pleaded and begged and cried. He comforted me and then it was gone. I spit back up abandonment at that time. I did that with several things until eventually they left. Upon completion of therapy I had very minor things remaining in which I just needed to keep working to not fall back into the patterns I was in. I remember realizing that nearly all of the things stemmed from my mother and also from family blood lines that had curses on them. I began to break those and I remember my pastor telling me that the cycle would end with me. The demonic hold would end with me. If I would endure and walk through it and fight, it would be done forever. I fought. I even had to break spiritual ties with my rapist because we became one that night. It was so hard. I forgave so many people in order to heal and do what God desired from me.
My pastor told me that I needed to write my mom a letter and confront her on what she had put me through. I needed to do this in order to heal. I remember him telling me that he did not believe our relationship would mend unless God performed a miracle. Well, he did. My family disowned me in the process because of how harsh the words were. It was truth though and I was doing so I could heal. She finally came to a place, realizing she could not give a general apology but that she needed to be specific. She did and God has been working on our relationship every since. My mom and I are the way we were supposed to be from the beginning. She is a different person and so am I. We talk weekly now.
When we moved back to Arkansas we began going to the most amazing body of believers to worship Christ. We grew, and grew, and grew and of course we all know where we are at now. :)
My pastor in Colorado wept in session one day. He told me that it is amazing to see how God had placed me-broken,beaten,lost,lonely,hurting-with someone like Chris. Loving,compassionate,understanding even when he did not understand,patient,forgiving and tender. He wept as he told me that Chris is EXACTLY who Christ has for me. I will ever forget that day as I had felt different earlier in our marriage. God changes hearts.
He is the most amazing man I have ever met. He loves me. He loves every part of me. He showed me how to accept affection. He shows me everyday what it feels like to be embraced and adored. He cares for me so deeply. I weep when I speak of my love for him and the love that he has for me. I weep when I share our story. If I would not have listened to the Holy Spirit that night I would have never met him. That was the 1st time he called that line.
My family has hated me every since I married Chris and started building a life for myself. I stopped talking to my father and everyone on his side of the family. I asked him on the phone one day to choose me or the drugs and he told me that maybe he would speak to me again one day. Since then I have not heard from him or his side of the family. They never did anything mean to me. I have nothing against them. They just choose to not acknowledge his addiction to drugs. The Lord told me our relationship would never be restored. I let it go. I still need to heal from the years of abuse though. That will come in Christ's time though he is currently preparing my heart for that at the same time that he is preparing one of our girls' hearts for the same thing. We are going to do it together. My hurt is being used. I don't regret anything now. I believe I went through it in order to be more effective in ministry. I see this before my eyes all the time and I am thankful for what I went through.
My mom's side of the family have always pushed me aside. Cousins,aunts,uncles,grandparents. They favored my cousin and my brother. I clung to Christ because I did not know what else to do. My family is honestly full of liars,cheaters,adulterers,etc. My aunts are the worse. They have said and done horrible things to me. In January my own cousin told me that she was glad that my baby dies because I did not need or deserve it. Her mom recently, a few days ago told me I was emotionally unstable and fruity. She also told me I was a threat to the family and she did not want me around. I only talk to my mom. I asked Chris if I had done something to them that I was not aware of. He told me that he was honest when he said no. I have been spoken to by the Holy Spirit. He told me that I am being persecuted for being a believer. He reminded me of his Word where it says that the world hated him first so it would hate me since I am his follower. He also reminded me that in the end times families would turn against one another. It is happening and it is for not reason at all. I have done nothing to them and they are attacking me. I believe that the demons overtaking my family are angry because they know that the curse and possession ends with me. I am chosen by Christ for more!
I am struggling with not having a relationship with either side of the family. It is so hard. I have grandparents in Padre Island,Texas that are from my step dad that passed from cancer. They have been the only ones that have stood by my side through what I was put through from my mom and my family. We are working on growing that relationship today as we are back in touch after several years. I love them and I am thankful that the Lord reunited us.
I sit here today and I look back on my life. It was hard. It was worth it. I can look in the eyes of hurting and abused girls who are sitting in the same place I was. I can touch their hearts and relate to the pain and anger associated with low self esteem, abuse, lack of affection and love. I have been there and that helps to break down their walls. God knew I would be used. I am his. He is mine and it is a reckless abandonment of a relationship that causes me to passionately pursue him with every part of me. He is so good even in our pain and struggles. ALWAYS GOOD.
Chris is amazing. I had a hard life and it is still hard and emotional but I can say that it is good because at the end of the night I have a God who loves me and is working his plan through me. And I have a gentle kiss on my forehead, warm arms that embrace me, gentle words that comfort me,sweet prayers that are prayed over me. I finally know what it means to not only be content with nothing but to also be content with everything. Thank you Jesus for this broken and messed up life you have given me. May it be used to continually glorify you.

I am Yours-Misty Edwards I listened to this as I wrote. I wanted to share.

It must be a day by day thing

2010-05-31T21:29:00.000-04:00

I hate hormones! I am over 2 weeks late on my menstrual cycle but I am testing negative on the pee pee sticks. I did this last time and was 9 weeks before it even showed up on a stick. I really don't feel pregnant other than soar chi chis and major moodiness. I feel more like my cycle is going to come at anytime but the days keep ticking by. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster right now as one minute I am content with not being pregnant right now, and then I am crying because I am not pregnant with all of my dear friend right now like I should have been. I would be halfway through pregnancy right now. I ran across pictures of my cousins baby on FB and it was very painful to look at. I do have a heart that still cares, but I almost have to shut myself off because I can't handle it right now. I don't know if I ever will be able to.

If I keep talking, writing and thinking about this stuff it will leave me feeling empty, confused, frustrated and down right angry. I need to stop it. I know that it is ok to feel the way that I am feeling but I just need to live the life that Christ has for me right not. It doesn't include a baby and so I need to rest in that.

Oh, but how my heart is so horribly sad.

Thoughts and Emotions

2010-05-28T23:38:00.001-04:00

Someone has always been where we have been. Though not all of the steps are exactly the same, the experiences are similar and the emotions are real.

I am searching my heart right now. I am in an interesting place that has me both content yet torn into a million pieces...

Those of you who read this probably know of my long journey that I am still on with Chris. Our hearts have been broken 4 too many times. To have a child so close to me and then to have him/her taken from me. Yes, the Lord gives and he takes away, yet blessed be his name. Always. Do we even realize what we are singing about? Do we really believe it? I know that I do. I sometimes don't feel that way but I still know in my heart and the very depths of my soul that it is true.

I have had so many times in my life where I look back on heartaches and things not going as planned. I always see that it was what really was best for me though all I cared about was the hurt emotions and the pain it was causing. It is hard to see the bigger picture when you can't see past the misery. I have been there. I was there in January when we lost our 4th baby. I could not see beyond my pain. I refused to for a long time. I look at it now and see the Lord's work in my life because of it. I am so much closer to him now. I am more open to what he has planned for me. I am more aware that my life is not about ME, but instead it is about Christ. Yes, I still struggle with understanding why he gives babies to horrible people who do horrible things to them. I am still angry and want an answer. I always will. BUT, I realize that the Lord has purpose in all that he does and allows. I don't understand it. This is where that child like faith comes in. Believing because I just simply believe.

My cousin is pregnant and in the early stages of labor as we speak. For as long as I can remember back she was always talking about how she never wanted to have kids because she was never going to get fat for something she was not going to love. I used to tell her that she just had not found the right man. I was convinced that the Lord would change her heart. He apparently did because she is married now and is about to have a son named Jack. This hurts. I understand that she may be a different person now, but it is like a ringing song in my ears. I guess I need to forgive her and find restoration in my heart and with her. We have minimal contact through facebook but we dont really talk. She was on my friends list when I went through the miscarriage in January. I talked to her once and all she did was tell me that I needed to go to the hospital. I did not even get sympathy, understanding of even a "Hey, how are you?" Or, "I am so sorry." I felt horrid. Then my other cousin turned around and told me that she was glad that my baby died, that it was for the best. Huh? Who says that to someone? That came from my own blood. Phewww....

I have been through the ringer. When I look at all that I have been through. The abuse-physical, emotional, sexual and mental, I see myself now. A strong tree by a beautiful river. A woman of Christ who is ready to serve and follow him. I see my worth in CHRIST-not in what has happened to me. Especially not in my family. THEY are NOT who defines me. Christ is. I am a NEW creation in Christ. The old has passed and the new has come. When I start feeling the emotional toll of what my family has done and what they are doing, I have to remember that I have what they don't. The treasure that is Christ. I am a new creation ya'll! I don't have to get down and upset because of what has happened. I can look at it and remember what Christ has done with all of the ugly. He has used it for his purposes and for his Glory. David Crowder is right. "You make everything glorious." And of course, "I am yours, what does that make me?"

I have no idea where I am going with this but I am sleepy and need to sort through it tomorrow. :)

Quiet Meditations

2010-03-16T10:13:00.001-04:00

Monday about 2 Chris and I started our week long respite. Praise the Lord! One of the best things about respite is that we can sleep in as long as we like. There is no rush to shower and be somewhere, so we can lay around in our jammies all day if we so desire to. This morning I got up at 8ish and took the dogs out to the potty. Upon being out in the fresh air my senses became alive and entangled in the beauty of the morning. The sun was peeking through the clouds gently and there was a cool breeze that carried away my worries. I was amazed at the beauty of the morning, which has not happened since we moved here. I ran upstairs and threw on my running shoes for a brisk morning power walk. The wind in my hair, the smell of spring and the sunshine on my face was tantalizing. I turned on the music player on my phone and praised the Lord through worship and adoration as I walked. I was care free if even for a short amount of time. It was a blessed morning.

I have made it very clear to Chris and myself as well that this respite is going to be used to relax, of course, but it is going to be a time of reconnect with Christ and each other as well. When I got back upstairs and inside, I threw my shoes off and grabbed my Bible. Psalm 51. A VERY sweet Psalm if you would like my take on it. I would like to share what the Lord spoke with me this morning:

Sin is serious. It is so easy to spit out a prayer and ask Christ to take our sin away in an effort to make sure that we are "clean." We can all admit that there are times where it is out of habit without much thought about it. It is so important that we are realizing our filthiness and rags and how BLESSED we are to be of the elect that is of Christ. We are not without spot just because we are "Chosen" by Christ. We are still called to be broken and spilled out over our sins. Too many times the importance of repentance and restoration with Christ is overlooked, put on the back burner or just grazed on the surface. It is time to drink deeply of the this truth. We are NOTHING without Christ and his Soverignty. NOTHING.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." Wow. Create in me a pure heart-THIS should be a prayer that is prayed daily. Trust me, I am speaking to myself on this one too. How amazing that Christ can create a new heart in us! It speaks in the Word about the old passing and the new coming. It is truth and it is for now. I desire a steadfast spirit. A spirit that can withstand the battering waves of life when they hit my shore so hard it knocks me over. I want to stand firm, without wavering, in my trust in Christ. It is much easier said than done, and I am sure you can agree with me. The Word holds true and Christ remains faithful to ALL of his promises so this give me HOPE that I can endure till the end. I long for the Joy of salvation to flood my soul. To rekindle the fire that burned so bright when the Truth of Christ and his Glory was revealed to me for the first time. There is something so incredible about the moment that the "blinders come off", so to speak.

I desire a willing spirit. It is too easy to give up and walk away. I am finding that in the current ministry that Chris and I are in. I have wanted to run away and retreat many times. It would be easier. I have stood-though at times I seriously thought I was going to tumble over at any moment. Christ is willing and ready to sustain me or any of us at any time if we CHOOSE to rest in his hold. Yes, his hold. Sometimes I seriously doubt that Christ is holding me-walking with me-there with me-but I am ALWAYS made clearly aware of this truth-EVERY SINGLE TIME. I have been through VERY dark times since I got down here to Florida. Loosing our 4th child was one of them. Here I am though. Standing still. My cousin who never wanted to get married or have kids is now married and is super excited to be expecting her son in May. One of my dearest friends is pregnant after trying for only 2 months....it is one of those times where it is very hard to stand and to keep believing. I know that Christ has a plan for me. Sometimes I wonder if Christ will ever bless me for standing, even when I have been angry at him many times for withholding from me my hearts desire. I believe that God is still good, and I truly believe his Word to me. I still wonder sometimes though. The pain becomes rather unbearable. I carry around the hurt. I have seen friends meet, fall in love, get engaged, walk down the isle, create a beautiful marriage and then have babies. Then I watch myself miscarry within weeks of them becoming pregnant. Yes-it is one-if not the worst thing I have ever had to experience. For my dear friend that is pregnant now, I have an immensely hard time sorting through the emotions of being completely ecstatic and completely crushed at the same time. I want to go out and buy sweet baby things for her, and I want to cry my eyes out and give up at the same time. We would have been pregnant at the same time. It is hard to watch your friends and family live out your dreams in front of you. It makes the struggle seem very dark and lonely.

I am here for a greater purpose though. I want my heart to so desire Christ so much that the pain and anguish is that of nothing to me. ALL of my focus and energy is poured into ministry at this point in my life. Again, I am here for a greater purpose. I know that the Lord is so good to those he has chosen, but, I have to remember that the pain that I go through is part of that purpose. How, I don't know right now. I DO know that being broken and then restored by him is incredible. I also know that the sweetness of a child will be more emmense and blissful when it happens. I know that my life is not over and he is recreating a new heart and spirit within me in order that I may proclaim his truth more ferverantly. Sometimes I want to kick it all to the curb, run out and find a baby and get my picket fence thing going, but I REFUSE to walk away from Christ. Oh, I have stepped away in the rage of my fury towards him. I have ALWAYS came back because my relationship with him is not fleeting. I also know that I can run and try to hide and refuse as much as I want, but I can't because Christ has chosen and called me out to live a life of light for him.

It says in the later part of Psalm 51 that "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God you will not despise." That is my heart. Broken and contrite. Ready to be reformed, molded and awakened.

Holy Spirit, be near me now. Minister to the darkest depths of who I am. Touch the sore spots that are still bleeding and aching. Heal the places that ache for a gentle touch of your spirit. Move on me mightily and show me your Grace and goodness. Remind me of your steadfast and never failing love for me. Give me a desire for you that surpasses ANY and EVERY other desire welling up within me. Let my focus be you alone. Give me the blessing of being able to enjoy you as I seek you. Relentlessly pursue me with your love song for me as I worship you in the midst of my struggles. Allure me by your beauty and amaze me by the work of your hands. Create in my a new heart, mind and spirit that continually desires your truth, Word and meeting. Rest on me heavily that I may know that you are of all the abundance that I need. Thank you for being my rescuer, pursuer, strong tower and joy maker. Let me drink deeply of your goodness today and the rest of this week. Prepare me for your work as you rejuvinate me and bring back the Joy of salvation, and the willing spirit that is needed. Sustain me by your Grace and rain down your Spirit as I wait for you to move.

-Lorissa-

Here we go again!

2010-03-12T19:42:00.000-05:00

I have decided to join the blogging world again. Not only because I love to write but also because I NEED to in order to express and spill out my emotions that can be rather intense sometimes. I find that I am content writing in the journal that I have, but I feel like others can relate to and be touched by some of the things that I write so I want to share with those willing to read. Please sign up and follow me so you can know more about what is going on in my life and so I can share with you a deeper side of myself.

HOORAY FOR ONLINE JOURNALING! :)

Just learn to seek

2009-04-07T00:14:00.001-04:00

Too many times I find myself wanting and yearning for children to the point of despair. I claim that I pray and seek the Lord for a miracle in Chris's body so I can conceive, but do I really cry out? I have really learned the passed week that I indeed have not been seeking as the Lord calls to do in Matthew 7:7-8 "Ask and it will be given to you;seek and you will find;knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives;he who seeks finds;and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." I am just sitting here totally torn apart by the fact that I have not been doing that. A simple prayer here and there and an occasional breakdown does not constitute seeking as Christ desires. I know that if my asking,seeking and knocking is according to Christ's Will, then he will hear me and respond to me, find me and open the door to me. I know that Christ is faithful, regardless of the answer that he gives. It is about Christ's Glory,though I am in a state where it is sometimes hard to focus on that. I am thankful that he has been faithful to speak to me this passed week. There was an account of a woman that I met at a Friday morning woman's fellowship. I was asked to share the story that Chris and I have with infertility. A beautiful, faith filled woman told her testimony that blessed me and made me realize how amazing Christ and his orchestration is. She spoke of how it was a really long process to get pregnant and to have her little girls. Everyone told her that she should be content with the children that she has, but her and her husband knew that Christ had told them that they were going to have a little son. They never ceased to keep trying. They went to the urologist (a male doctor in case ya dont know. :) ) Her and her husband found out that he had a tumor in his reproductive track. The doctor said he had no idea how they had conceived their two little girls, unless it had been that the tumor was a recent happening. This tumor was not allowing him to have any sperm in his seaman. Then there came the day that they became pregnant with their little boy. Once born he had to go to the urologist, so they used the same doctor that they had seen prior. The doctor remembered the couple and asked the man who had surgically removed the tumor. The husband said no one. The doctor exclaimed that it was a miracle. This truly inspired me. Christ is faithful to fullfil all of his promises.

A couple of Sundays ago I was crying my face off at the altar. I needed it. My relationship with Christ needed it. A beautiful friend of mine came up to pray for me. As she prayed I remember her saying that Christ places desires in our heart. If no matter what I went through, the desire was still there then it must be from him and that means he will be faithful to fulfil that. In scriptures it speaks of Christ giving us the desires of our hearts. According to his will.

I then met a couple that is around the same age as Chris and I. They spoke of the same struggle that we are going through. We realized that Christ is faithful to encourage and use others and their stories.

To sum it up, I really feel like Christ is bringing me to a place of brokeness. A place of constant prayer and seeking. I do believe that he is desiring that I cry out to him with all that is in my heart. Even when there is no emotion or tears left, to keep seeking, knocking and asking. Christ's ways are perfect. I know that he is calling me to this and because of this calling, I will hit the threshing floor will all that I am. I am ready. Who is ready to stand with me? I am asking anyone who feels led, to stand with me in consistant prayer for healing and conception. It is time for the Lord to show his miraculous hand!

It has been too long

2009-03-24T12:01:00.000-04:00

Ok, sorry everyone for taking so long to make my next post. I feel like time is flying bye, yet it is standing still. It is something strange, let me tell you.

I am sitting on the couch by the window. The blinds are pulled up to allow the fresh, natural light to flood the front room. You know, I hate artificial light. I will always choose to let the light in before I would go for a lamp or any kind of light. Outside it is cloudy and breezy. I can hear the birds chirping as they go to and fro making their nest and taking food to their babies. It really is spring. Finally. I love watching the grass turn green and the flowers bloom. It is so amazing to see life come alive in a spray of beautiful colors, shapes and sizes. It is also a time that makes me reflect. I like to go outside so I can feel the breeze blow through my hair and on my face. I love the sunshine pouring out on me and the warmth of it radiating on my skin. It is then that I start to look back on things and think about what is really going on in my life. Last night I was talking to my cousin about some of the things that we did while we were growing up. She reminded me of how we used to sale puzzle pieces, and I reminded her of something that both had us laughing. My cousin and I went to church camp every summer growing up. Our grandparents at the time owned a convenience store so before the church van left, she would take a large paper bag and cram it full of all the candy a kid could ever want. Once in our bunks at the camp we would wait until our counselors went to take showers. It was then that we took out all of our candy and made shop. It was perfect. We would take the money from other campers to buy slushies and souvies throughout the week. It was classic. We were smooth. Good times. I miss times like that. :)
I guess as an adult I do still have some wonderful moments that are worthy to look back on and laugh at. I don't know where I was planning on going with that thought, but you at least got to read a really great story!
Some hurtful things have happened this passed week that I plan on blogging about in the next few days. I am not ready to talk about it. Sometimes I just want to sit and think on things. I can say that there have been some highlights as well. I did get a chance to take some amazing pictures. I could take up pages and pages showing you because I get so excited. I think I will just splash a few on here and then add some more every time that I post. Would ya'll like that?

Jesus?

2009-03-06T16:12:00.000-05:00

Let me tell ya...it has been really hard this passed week. First of all, sorry for not posting like I said that I would. I have been so frustrated and overwhelmed! I dont recall having a good day this week at all. Yes,there are things that I am thankful for this week, please don't get me wrong. Chris and I had some wonderful conversations,laughed,cried and snuggled. For that,I am ALWAYS thankful. I also trimmed Scooter,and he has looked so cute, that everytime I look at him I smile.

Not a lot has really happened this passed week. I have woke up and fought everyday to pull through this monster of a season. I have cried and been angry for the most part. I admit to not being as faithful as I have been, or should be when it comes to my quiet times. I always spend time talking to the Lord throughout every day,but I have not sat down in the mornings and really dug into the Word. I feel ashamed! I am thankful that the Lord is promting my heart though! He knows the state that I am in, and when I just lay there and be quiet,He is faithful to sit there with me and comfort me with His presence.

I went to the docotor yesterday because I needed to let him know that my medicine isn't working! I was prescribed Celexa 20mg daily for depression and panic disorder. It certainly helped with the depression but I am still batteling like crazy with the panic. This is after almost 9 weeks on the medicine! In a very brief office visit,he placed me on a higher dose of the same medicine. I am now taking double what I was. I told him that I have been fighting insomnia from the 20mg and he said that a higher dose should take care of that. I was infomed that almost always,an upage in dose is necessary for the medicine to treat the panic. I am relieved to hear success stories from people that agree with that. I cried my face off when I started my 9th week of being on the medicine and not being able to go to work. I couldnt believe that it wasnt working! I was wanting to be back at work the first of March. Apparently, the Lord has other plans for me! So,I took my first new dose last night. I woke up hanging over the toilet. I couldnt focus and the room was spinning so fast. I went back to bed! I am feeling a little bit better,but I am still not feeling good. The pharmasits told me to take 30 for a couple of weeks first before going up to the 40. I am glad that I listened to her, and not the doctor! The 40 would have been horrid! I am frustrated with side affects returning with a vengance,but the Lord is STILL faithful!

I am tusting Him to supply our needs in this bleek time. I could let it overwhelm me, but I refuse! I really want to throw a fit and cry like a big baby, but I wont. Well, maybe a little. :)

An update about my broken heart

2009-02-24T18:36:00.000-05:00

Oh, how my heart has been so burdened. I know that it has been a whirlwind of emotions and events throughout my entire life. And the last few months have really placed me in a position of waiting. What is there that I can really do anyway? Most of you know that I am no longer working due to severe panic attacks and anxiety. I have been best friends with the inside of my little home for going on 2 months. I sometimes sit and wonder when this will all end. I can say that I have been blessed to not be consumed with rage and bitterness over this. I will admit to the strong and exhausting struggle that the Lord and I are starting to have though. It is not a lack of trust or desire of His perfect Will; it is just living in a struggling life so long without being given any kind of answer.

The Lord has been faithful to renew a wonderful realationship with him and His sweet Spirit and I. I have been doing daily, morning quiet times. The Lord really speaks to me within these times. I have learned to focus on His greater purpose and Glory and to commit to taking the focus off of myself. I have struggled with that the passed couple of weeks though. I feel like I am hanging on,but that the wind is blowing me to the point where it is as if I am being sucked away, and the only thing I have hanging on is a couple of fingers. Sometimes not even that.

I am brokenhearted inside because I am ready to have a renewed life where I can walk in freedom from this season. Season. That is what it is..but it is much longer than the usual season that I go through. Much longer. A long winter. And we all know I hate that season.

I have found that I am not only struggling with the burden of panic and anxiety, in turn which causes me to stress about bills and when I will be able to work....but now my heart is carrying something that is pulling me down to the very depths of despair.

I am like Hannah in the Word. Only it is Chris who is "barren" so to speak. I know that there are solutions out there. I dont know where the money would come from to get one but I have decided that the Lord is the ultimate healer and that seeking Him for the healing of Chris's reproductive system would bring Christ more Glory than if we use drugs and doctors. Look at the fertility miracles in the Word. Wow. I want to be one of those and have decided to stand on that. I am going to commit to prayer and agreement with other believers, that the Lord will be faithful to restore to us the desire of our hearts.

I have been broken into tiny little pieces because everytime I turn around someone else I know is pregnant. They celebrate,laugh and cry. They plan baby showers and decorate the room with little flowers or blue skies and little red planes,while tears fall from my eyes from a devestated and crushed heart. It is hard to rejoice. It is hard to look into the eyes of my husband and see the heartache that dwells deep within. There he is,trying to hold me together and let me know that it will happen one day. I know he's fading inside. I am fading inside. All the love that a person is capable of holding in their hearts is waiting for that special little gift. One day I will get to hear the sound of precious cooing,the laughter of a joyous heart,the touch of the tiny little hand wrapped around my fingers,the beautiful eyes that peer into mine,the warmth of their little body against mine. One day. Until then I will wait. I refuse to be barren forever.