Thoughts and Emotions

Someone has always been where we have been. Though not all of the steps are exactly the same, the experiences are similar and the emotions are real. 


I am searching my heart right now. I am in an interesting place that has me both content yet torn into a million pieces... 


Those of you who read this probably know of my long journey that I am still on with Chris. Our hearts have been broken 4 too many times. To have a child so close to me and then to have him/her taken from me. Yes, the Lord gives and he takes away, yet blessed be his name. Always. Do we even realize what we are singing about? Do we really believe it? I know that I do. I sometimes don't feel that way but I still know in my heart and the very depths of my soul that it is true. 


I have had so many times in my life where I look back on heartaches and things not going as planned. I always see that it was what really was best for me though all I cared about was the hurt emotions and the pain it was causing. It is hard to see the bigger picture when you can't see past the misery. I have been there. I was there in January when we lost our 4th baby.  I could not see beyond my pain. I refused to for a long time. I look at it now and see the Lord's work in my life because of it. I am so much closer to him now.  I am more open to what he has planned for me. I am more aware that my life is not about ME, but instead it is about Christ. Yes, I still struggle with understanding why he gives babies to horrible people who do horrible things to them. I am still angry and want an answer. I always will. BUT, I realize that the Lord has purpose in all that he does and allows. I don't understand it. This is where that child like faith comes in. Believing because I just simply believe. 


My cousin is pregnant and in the early stages of labor as we speak. For as long as I can remember back she was always talking about how she never wanted to have kids because she was never going to get fat for something she was not going to love. I used to tell her that she just had not found the right man. I was convinced that the Lord would change her heart. He apparently did because she is married now and is about to have a son named Jack. This hurts. I understand that she may be a different person now, but it is like a ringing song in my ears. I guess I need to forgive her and find restoration in my heart and with her. We have minimal contact through facebook but we dont really talk. She was on my friends list when I went through the miscarriage in January. I talked to her once and all she did was tell me that I needed to go to the hospital. I did not even get sympathy, understanding of even a "Hey, how are you?" Or, "I am so sorry." I felt horrid. Then my other cousin turned around and told me that she was glad that my baby died, that it was for the best. Huh? Who says that to someone? That came from my own blood. Phewww.... 


I have been through the ringer. When I look at all that I have been through. The abuse-physical, emotional, sexual and mental, I see myself now. A strong tree by a beautiful river. A woman of Christ who is ready to serve and follow him. I see my worth in CHRIST-not in what has happened to me. Especially not in my family. THEY are NOT who defines me. Christ is. I am a NEW creation in Christ. The old has passed and the new has come. When I start feeling the emotional toll of what my family has done and what they are doing, I have to remember that I have what they don't. The treasure that is Christ. I am a new creation ya'll! I don't have to get down and upset because of what has happened. I can look at it and remember what Christ has done with all of the ugly. He has used it for his purposes and for his Glory. David Crowder is right. "You make everything glorious." And of course, "I am yours, what does that make me?" 


I have no idea where I am going with this but I am sleepy and need to sort through it tomorrow. :)