Quiet Meditations

Monday about 2 Chris and I started our week long respite. Praise the Lord! One of the best things about respite is that we can sleep in as long as we like. There is no rush to shower and be somewhere, so we can lay around in our jammies all day if we so desire to. This morning I got up at 8ish and took the dogs out to the potty. Upon being out in the fresh air my senses became alive and entangled in the beauty of the morning. The sun was peeking through the clouds gently and there was a cool breeze that carried away my worries. I was amazed at the beauty of the morning, which has not happened since we moved here. I ran upstairs and threw on my running shoes for a brisk morning power walk. The wind in my hair, the smell of spring and the sunshine on my face was tantalizing. I turned on the music player on my phone and praised the Lord through worship and adoration as I walked. I was care free if even for a short amount of time. It was a blessed morning. 

 I have made it very clear to Chris and myself as well that this respite is going to be used to relax, of course, but it is going to be a time of reconnect with Christ and each other as well. When I got back upstairs and inside, I threw my shoes off and grabbed my Bible. Psalm 51. A VERY sweet Psalm if you would like my take on it. I would like to share what the Lord spoke with me this morning: 

Sin is serious. It is so easy to spit out a prayer and ask Christ to take our sin away in an effort to make sure that we are "clean." We can all admit that there are times where it is out of habit without much thought about it. It is so important that we are realizing our filthiness and rags and how BLESSED we are to be of the elect that is of Christ. We are not without spot just because we are "Chosen" by Christ. We are still called to be broken and spilled out over our sins. Too many times the importance of repentance and restoration with Christ is overlooked, put on the back burner or just grazed on the surface. It is time to drink deeply of the this truth. We are NOTHING without Christ and his Soverignty. NOTHING. 

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." Wow. Create in me a pure heart-THIS should be a prayer that is prayed daily. Trust me, I am speaking to myself on this one too. How amazing that Christ can create a new heart in us! It speaks in the Word about the old passing and the new coming. It is truth and it is for now. I desire a steadfast spirit. A spirit that can withstand the battering waves of life when they hit my shore so hard it knocks me over. I want to stand firm, without wavering, in my trust in Christ. It is much easier said than done, and I am sure you can agree with me. The Word holds true and Christ remains faithful to ALL of his promises so this give me HOPE that I can endure till the end. I long for the Joy of salvation to flood my soul. To rekindle the fire that burned so bright when the Truth of Christ and his Glory was revealed to me for the first time. There is something so incredible about the moment that the "blinders come off", so to speak. 

I desire a willing spirit. It is too easy to give up and walk away. I am finding that in the current ministry that Chris and I are in. I have wanted to run away and retreat many times. It would be easier. I have stood-though at times I seriously thought I was going to tumble over at any moment. Christ is willing and ready to sustain me or any of us at any time if we CHOOSE to rest in his hold. Yes, his hold. Sometimes I seriously doubt that Christ is holding me-walking with me-there with me-but I am ALWAYS made clearly aware of this truth-EVERY SINGLE TIME. I have been through VERY dark times since I got down here to Florida. Loosing our 4th child was one of them. Here I am though. Standing still. My cousin who never wanted to get married or have kids is now married and  is super excited to be expecting her son in May. One of my dearest friends is pregnant after trying for only 2 months....it is one of those times where it is very hard to stand and to keep believing. I know that Christ has a plan for me. Sometimes I wonder if Christ will ever bless me for standing, even when I have been angry at him many times for withholding from me my hearts desire. I believe that God is still good, and I truly believe his Word to me. I still wonder sometimes though. The pain becomes rather unbearable. I carry around the hurt. I have seen friends meet, fall in love, get engaged, walk down the isle, create a beautiful marriage and then have babies. Then I watch myself miscarry within weeks of them becoming pregnant. Yes-it is one-if not the worst thing I have ever had to experience. For my dear friend that is pregnant now, I have an immensely hard time sorting through the emotions of being completely ecstatic and completely crushed at the same time. I want to go out and buy sweet baby things for her, and I want to cry my eyes out and give up at the same time. We would have been pregnant at the same time. It is hard to watch your friends and family live out your dreams in front of you. It makes the struggle seem very dark and lonely. 

I am here for a greater purpose though. I want my heart to so desire Christ so much that the pain and anguish is that of nothing to me. ALL of my focus and energy is poured into ministry at this point in my life. Again, I am here for a greater purpose. I know that the Lord is so good to those he has chosen, but, I have to remember that the pain that I go through is part of that purpose. How, I don't know right now. I DO know that being broken and then restored by him is incredible. I also know that the sweetness of a child will be more emmense and blissful when it happens. I know that my life is not over and he is recreating a new heart and spirit within me in order that I may proclaim his truth more ferverantly. Sometimes I want to kick it all to the curb, run out and find a baby and get my picket fence thing going, but I REFUSE to walk away from Christ. Oh, I have stepped away in the rage of my fury towards him. I have ALWAYS came back because my relationship with him is not fleeting. I also know that I can run and try to hide and refuse as much as I want, but I can't because Christ has chosen and called me out to live a life of light for him. 

It says in the later part of Psalm 51 that "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God you will not despise." That is my heart. Broken and contrite. Ready to be reformed, molded and awakened. 

Holy Spirit, be near me now. Minister to the darkest depths of who I am. Touch the sore spots that are still bleeding and aching. Heal the places that ache for a gentle touch of your spirit. Move on me mightily and show me your Grace and goodness. Remind me of your steadfast and never failing love for me. Give me a desire for you that surpasses ANY and EVERY other desire welling up within me. Let my focus be you alone. Give me the blessing of being able to enjoy you as I seek you. Relentlessly pursue me with your love song for me as I worship you in the midst of my struggles. Allure me by your beauty and amaze me by the work of your hands. Create in my a new heart, mind and spirit that continually desires your truth, Word and meeting. Rest on me heavily that I may know that you are of all the abundance that I need. Thank you for being my rescuer, pursuer, strong tower and joy maker. Let me drink deeply of your goodness today and the rest of this week. Prepare me for your work as you rejuvinate me and bring back the Joy of salvation, and the willing spirit that is needed. Sustain me by your Grace and rain down your Spirit as I wait for you to move. 

-Lorissa-