An update about my broken heart

Oh, how my heart has been so burdened. I know that it has been a whirlwind of emotions and events throughout my entire life. And the last few months have really placed me in a position of waiting. What is there that I can really do anyway? Most of you know that I am no longer working due to severe panic attacks and anxiety. I have been best friends with the inside of my little home for going on 2 months. I sometimes sit and wonder when this will all end. I can say that I have been blessed to not be consumed with rage and bitterness over this. I will admit to the strong and exhausting struggle that the Lord and I are starting to have though. It is not a lack of trust or desire of His perfect Will; it is just living in a struggling life so long without being given any kind of answer.

The Lord has been faithful to renew a wonderful realationship with him and His sweet Spirit and I. I have been doing daily, morning quiet times. The Lord really speaks to me within these times. I have learned to focus on His greater purpose and Glory and to commit to taking the focus off of myself. I have struggled with that the passed couple of weeks though. I feel like I am hanging on,but that the wind is blowing me to the point where it is as if I am being sucked away, and the only thing I have hanging on is a couple of fingers. Sometimes not even that.

I am brokenhearted inside because I am ready to have a renewed life where I can walk in freedom from this season. Season. That is what it is..but it is much longer than the usual season that I go through. Much longer. A long winter. And we all know I hate that season.

I have found that I am not only struggling with the burden of panic and anxiety, in turn which causes me to stress about bills and when I will be able to work....but now my heart is carrying something that is pulling me down to the very depths of despair.

I am like Hannah in the Word. Only it is Chris who is "barren" so to speak. I know that there are solutions out there. I dont know where the money would come from to get one but I have decided that the Lord is the ultimate healer and that seeking Him for the healing of Chris's reproductive system would bring Christ more Glory than if we use drugs and doctors. Look at the fertility miracles in the Word. Wow. I want to be one of those and have decided to stand on that. I am going to commit to prayer and agreement with other believers, that the Lord will be faithful to restore to us the desire of our hearts.

I have been broken into tiny little pieces because everytime I turn around someone else I know is pregnant. They celebrate,laugh and cry. They plan baby showers and decorate the room with little flowers or blue skies and little red planes,while tears fall from my eyes from a devestated and crushed heart. It is hard to rejoice. It is hard to look into the eyes of my husband and see the heartache that dwells deep within. There he is,trying to hold me together and let me know that it will happen one day. I know he's fading inside. I am fading inside. All the love that a person is capable of holding in their hearts is waiting for that special little gift. One day I will get to hear the sound of precious cooing,the laughter of a joyous heart,the touch of the tiny little hand wrapped around my fingers,the beautiful eyes that peer into mine,the warmth of their little body against mine. One day. Until then I will wait. I refuse to be barren forever.